i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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