I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
