remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just want nice things and good sex
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
