I wish I could teleport
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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