We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
