I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
