i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
