Someone shit on the floor
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
