my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
