Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
