I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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