I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
