I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
