My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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