so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I looked at my own cervix.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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