look no pants
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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