you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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