i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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