So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
