wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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