My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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