my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
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I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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