My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
