I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
