Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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