oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
