Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
