ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
