1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
