i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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