Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am one with the molecules
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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