Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat