I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
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my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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