im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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