shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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