apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
