if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
did you just send me my own nude
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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