I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
