Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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