The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
