Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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