hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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