Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
