you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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