Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
