If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
her facebook's as public as her vagina
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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