I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize