If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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