i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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