I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
