just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
