I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
