Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
