i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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