You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
