Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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