Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
