he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
