When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
